Healing our pain…

This is honest. It’s vulnerable. But it’s real.

There is no doubt in my soul that I don’t love myself, I do. I love who I am. I love the values I hold. I love that I am ambitious and continuously reach for the stars, but this all makes it harder. I love myself to the point that it hurts because I didn’t deserve what I accepted, the things I shouldn’t have accepted. It hurts because when I look back on the younger version of me, the version that couldn’t even comprehend what self-love was, I see a girl who clung onto boys who made her feel undeserving, who told her to k*ll herself, who cheated on her, who made her feel worthless.

Although I could hold a grudge toward these people, I don’t. I recognise that they didn’t grow up receiving the love I had. They didn’t grow up with good values or morals. They were hurt, so they hurt the closest thing to them, for empowerment, for control, for their ego. I no longer hold anger for these individuals. I just acknowledge that healing needs to take place from the things I’ve been pushing to the bottom of my heart for the past 10 years, and that is okay.

The thing is, in order to heal, we first have to stop and look inward. No matter how horrible it may feel, it’s necessary to become aware of the things we must heal from, and to be aware, we have to address them. Addressing them means coming face to face with the things you have chosen not to think about anymore. To look the things that hurt you dead in the eye and remember how they made you feel and to realise you shouldn’t have had to feel that way.

Even if you feel like you are fully healed, there may still be things that linger. When you find yourself being triggered on a random Tuesday, this may be your subconscious calling out to be addressed, calling out to be recognised, and for you to hold yourself accountable. We always have more than one option. We have the option to continue the cycle, to delay the healing for short-term comfort, or to make the decision to break the pattern, to let ourselves feel the pain we have been avoiding. Is it easy? No. Is it straightforward? No. Does it always make sense at the time? No. Aside from that, it is worth it… I hope.

Like I said, I have done my fair share of healing, through feeling, through crying, through talking, through really coming face to face with it. But if it still lingers, if I still get triggered, there is more that needs to be done.

I found this piece of writing today:

“Some wounds don’t disappear, but they teach us resilience. Some scars remain, but they remind us of survival. Healing is messy, slow, and unpredictable, but every step forward is proof that you’re stronger than yesterday. Breathe. Feel. Grow. You are healing, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.”

Back in 2023, I hit the second most difficult time in my life. This didn’t come from anything other than my own lack of awareness and lack of accountability. I had put myself in a situation that was never going to end well, choosing to be around people who were no good for me, no good at all, in fact. The type of people who will only ever think of themselves and do what it takes to gain whatever they can from you. I was crying over the phone, trying to figure out why this one person didn’t care, almost begging them to care. Little did I know how much I needed that to happen. I was in deep, and I felt like I was drowning. I had ruined friendships, drifted away from the people I loved because of one singular man, a man who never had the right intentions in the first place.

There is an analogy, please bare with me while I try to explain it. I am paraphrasing.

A woman who has her fridge full of food, goes to the gym, works on herself, journals, eats healthy, and keeps a clean home has a knock at the door. It’s a man. He has come to ask if he can leave one of his bags in her house, and he’ll give her a whole pizza in return. She politely declines, as there is no reason for her to accept. She has a fridge full of food, she’s eaten well today, and the bag would only add clutter to her home.

There’s another woman. Her fridge is empty. She hasn’t eaten. She hasn’t prioritised her physical or mental health recently, and her home is a mess. The same man knocks on the door, asking if he can leave one of his bags at her house and he’ll give her a whole pizza. Her eyes light up at the thought of food. She accepts the pizza, and the man leaves his bag. He comes back the next day, and the same thing happens, she accepts again. The man comes back every single day. Without her realising, her house begins to overflow with these bags. It gets more and more cramped every day, and she reaches the point where she wants to say no, but the mental battle leaves her undecided. She needs the pizza, but she doesn’t want the baggage that comes with it. She finally asks him to stop coming, that she wants all the things gone, and she doesn’t need the pizza anymore.

The man is confused. She has been accepting this behaviour for so long that he thought it was fine.

My point is, when we look after ourselves, when our bellies are full, when our hearts are full, when we are prioritising the things that are good for us, we won’t just let anyone into our lives with their baggage, expecting us to look after it. The thought of a pizza won’t excite us because we don’t need it. However, when we do not prioritise ourselves, when we do not heal, when we do not take care of our physical and mental health, we will accept what tries to come into our lives without hesitation. Our boundaries won’t be defined so we may feel as though we need what they are offering us, leading us to carry far more weight than we were ever supposed to.

In order to receive what we deserve we have to first understand what that is, we have to first understand what we, as an individual require in order to feel loved, to feel seen, to feel heard and to reach that point we have to first do it for ourselves, to love ourselves, to see ourselves, to hear ourselves, then we can accept that from another, but until then. Healing is a priority, not filling the void for short term contentment is a priority, you are a priority.

Sending love,

K.