Escapism…

There are parts of my life when I feel whole, confident, sure that things will work out in my favour, when I feel good within myself and my surroundings, then ovulation ends. The spark disappears. I become, once again, the person who feels jealousy, who feels vulnerable, who wants to run before I get hurt, who shows irritability. Now I thank God that I do not feel like this every day. I also thank God for helping me to become aware of the fact that the majority of these negative emotions come from the simple fact that I am just a girl with PMDD, but it never makes it easier.

Unlike a negative mindset, bad habits, or a poor diet, PMDD is not something I can train or retrain myself out of. Boy, do I wish I could. It makes me sad to think about the days I’ve lost to it, that goes for people too. PMDD can lead to self-sabotage, to feeling like I’m not worthy of things I definitely am. It leads to escapism, but unlike 21-year-old me, I can no longer escape through clubbing, through alcohol, or through filling my days so heavily that I don’t have time to think, because I know how that ends and it’s not pretty.

Escapism no longer feels like an easy way out. I have fought off those thoughts for far too long to go back to those ways of living, so now when I do want to escape, it almost feels like I’m quite literally trapped in a room with no doors and no way out. Now I have to quite simply sit with it. It is the only way through and the only way out.

Getting to know anyone new is always scary because our intentions are never written above our heads in a thought bubble. I worry that my friends will think of me differently when I’m in this stage of my cycle, and that goes for anyone else involved in my life.

PMDD is scary. It makes us question who we are. It makes us doubt our potential. It makes us temporarily lose a part of ourselves that will come back but for the time that she’s gone, it doesn’t feel that way. PMDD will have me in a room full of people I love, yet I feel further away than ever. It will have me ignoring messages and calls because I don’t want to say or react in the wrong way. It will have me deactivating Instagram so I can feel away from the world. It will have me escaping.

Escapism is dangerous. It can give us a false reality of what we think joy is, what we think peace is. When I used to escape through alcohol, it felt great for the night, but as soon as I woke up it left me with a feeling that can only be described as emptiness. Escapism for you might not be as detrimental to your physical health, but it may be to your mental health and your mindset. Escapism can also look like doom-scrolling, spending 100% of our time with someone else, planning to do something every day of the week, or pouring everything into your work. Escapism can look different for everyone.

I don’t want to be someone who needs to escape, but all I can do is recognise and admit that right now. I can take the steps to stop myself before I start to run, stop myself before I react, question each of my thoughts that are filled with self-doubt, and understand that no matter the emotions I may feel, I am not them and they are not me, the same way I am not my thoughts and they are not me.

The more people I know, the more I realise how many people are not aware of PMDD. And for the females who have these same emotions each month, I believe we should all actively try to learn and help one another, to be there when it’s confusing, to be there when we feel like the world is ending, when really it is not. We just hit a road bump, and in a week’s time we’ll be back on the straight and narrow.

Sending Love,

K.