What Could’ve Been
Not just what could’ve been, but who we could’ve been, where we could’ve been. Every time we make a decision, we are choosing something, which means we are not choosing something else.
Every time we meet someone new and choose to speak to them, we are deciding to share a small part of ourselves with another human, without knowing what it will amount to. Every time we take the jump and apply for a new job, once again we are deciding to share an amount of ourselves and our time with something else. Every time we decide to go to the gym, we are choosing not to skip it. Every time we take time out to work on ourselves, we are not choosing escape or distraction.
Every single time we decide anything, there is a ‘what could’ve been’ on the other side. We can look at that from a place of scarcity, from fear that we have missed out, or we can look at it from the view that whatever we chose was meant for us. You never know how things will unfold at the time of the decision, but when you look back, it almost always makes sense. My friend said to me yesterday, after I told her about a few things from my past, “You have lived a life,” and it’s true. We all have those life-changing moments, those big decisions, those phases that make or break us. I’m pretty sure I have had the majority of mine by the age of 26. I hope for more, of course, but positive ones rather than negative.
People may be planted along your journey, but not to stay. They may be placed there so you can simply learn something necessary from them, or they may be the connection to someone else who will stay. The idea that we will never know, upon making a decision, what the outcome will be can be seen as a blessing or a curse. We don’t get to see whether something is going to waste our time or not, but the thing is, time is never wasted. You can find a lesson within every decision, within every single day.
Yesterday, I made the decision to have gluten-free chicken nuggets. My lesson was that my body doesn’t like processed food, and two hours later I looked severely pregnant. Never again. I wouldn’t have known if I had chosen something else… but seriously.
We can look back and wish we could take back the time, effort, and energy that we gave to somebody or somewhere, but what’s the point in that? It’s all a part of your story. I’ve learned how to love myself so much more from people who didn’t know how to love me than from the ones who did. I’ve understood what healing really feels like from being triggered. I learned that Caye Caulker will always be a safe place in my mind, in my memories, because I decided to get on a one-way flight to Mexico. I understand fully that you can outgrow people you thought would be in your life forever, and that’s okay.
It’s all okay. Wondering what could’ve been is completely okay, but don’t get caught up in romanticising something that never happened, romanticising someone as a person they didn’t show you they were, romanticising a life you could be living because the one you are living is right now. It’s right in front of you.
If you know me, you will know I’m indecisive yet impulsive. I’m not always entirely sure what I want until it’s the only thing I want, and then I get it. I’ve not always been sure where I want to be, but I’m completely content with where I am. My mum said on our way to the train station, “When you’re home, it feels normal, like you’ve always been home, and when you’re gone, you’re gone.” I responded with a sarcastic comment because I think that’s pretty much how things work, but I knew what she meant.
I used to worry when I was somewhere I liked being because I didn’t want to leave, yet when I was in the next place, I felt completely content there too. Through being present, you learn to love wherever you are without constantly considering where you’re going next.
When I went travelling, I would either love or really dislike where I was staying. The places I loved, I never wanted to leave, but never leaving would mean the excitement and the newness of everything would wear off. Basically, I would get bored. I knew that staying would mean I would miss out on what was coming next, so I couldn’t hold onto a place out of fear I’d lose it, out of fear I’d never have that feeling it brought me again, because we can feel anything we want to feel.
I can close my eyes now and remember the places I’ve loved, and the feeling comes back. We are simply (not very simply at all) souls at the end of the day. We are much more than our physical bodies. We can envision our futures and remember our past, and although both are incredible, both take us away from our present.
I used to sit for hours thinking about what I wanted, what I wanted to achieve, the car I will be driving, the house I will live in. While that is great and also a proven way to help reach our goals, we have to take away the need for it all. It can be a form of motivation, yes, but not so much that you never appreciate where you are right now, because things change. What you’re envisioning may end up being a ‘could’ve been,’ and you might actually get something ten times better.
Sending Love,
K.